Post-Natal Depression: Don't Suffer in Silence

Earlier today this article from Parentdish appeared on my Facebook feed. Having suffered from Postpartum Depression myself following the birth of Milo, it is a subject that still lies close to my heart and one I still think about often. In the article there is the line

''and the sure, certain...conviction that my family would be much better off without me''

Quote from Parentdish article

It is as if the words were taken straight from my mouth from almost four years ago. It was a dark time back then. A very dark time. I have written bits about it previously here. I don't think anyone really knows what goes on in the mind of a woman suffering from PND unless you have really experienced it yourself. Hand in hand with the depression comes guilt, despair, a complete lack of self worth, disappointment and so much more on top.

Whilst pregnant with Milo I went through a stage of watching loads of films related to babies and children. There was the fun, happy ones like 'Three Men and a Little Baby' and its sequel and then there were the harder hitting ones. I don't know why I watched those too but one of them I remember very well. It was Kramer Vs Kramer. My situation in many ways didn't relate to that of the characters in the film, but I do remember watching Meryl Streep's character leaving her child and thinking, how could a mother ever do that? I couldn't relate to it at all. There I was, pregnant and already so attached to my child both physically and emotionally and I felt that no woman in her right mind would leave her child. That hits it on the spot really though. When you are suffering from PND, you aren't in your right mind. It's scary. It's confusing. It makes you think thoughts that you never knew you were capable of and it conflicts with everything you had previously dreamt of when you imagined holding your gorgeous little baby. However, In my darkest moments, I thought of ending it all. I thought of running away. I thought I was worthless, useless and that I couldn't be the mother I should be to my beautiful Milo. I thought he didn't like me and I didn't recognise him as the baby that I had fallen so deeply in love with as he had moved around inside me. It was a really tough time, some of the worst moments of my life and I am very glad to say that somehow I came out of it and reached the other side.

I hid my postnatal depression from everyone and from what friends have since said to me, I hid it very well. Only one person has since said they thought I may be suffering from it and unfortunately that person wasn't one who was capable of dealing with it. 

When I was pregnant with Alfie I did think about PND. I worried that I may face that demon once again. I decided that there were a few things I could do to try and do my best to stop it from coming once more. I do believe that the high stress I was under and emotional upheaval I faced whilst pregnant last time, had something to do with the depression. It put me in a tough position before Milo was even born and I was determined that that wouldn't happen this time. Knowing the risks I could be putting both my children at were I to get PND once again, I did every single thing I could to keep away from anything that was causing me large amounts of stress. Instead of letting things hang over me, I dealt with them as quickly as possible. There were some stresses I couldn't put away. Keeping my business running during those first months was tough. The run-in with my neighbour definitely hit me hard for a few days and there were times when finances got incredibly tight and I had a number of difficult discussions with the Jobcenter. More than I like to think about. There were other stresses too but ones I don't feel it appropriate to talk about on here. Overall I managed to deal with things as best as possible. I did my best to stay positive and to avoid anything that would bring that down and so far, baby blues aside, I am post-natal depression free. The fact that I am not suffering from it now doesn't mean we are out of the woods yet, it can come at a later stage, but I stay hopeful that this time, it won't come. I just have to keep up the work I did in pregnancy and try to avoid high stress as much as possible. Try not to over do it and to look after myself.

I do think doing the above has helped me but the fact is that PND can come to even the least likely of new mothers. It isn't something we can really control and it isn't the fault of the mother's although they will likely believe it is at some point. Often a mother won't even know she has it until it has taken over her so deeply.For many months I cried, at other times I just turned off. I hardened on the outside and I felt hollow inside. At some point you can't even cry anymore, like the article says, you begin to just stare. You become numb. It is possible to get through it though and when tackled, it doesn't have to get to the awful stages it can sometimes reach where the mother ends up at risk to herself and even to her baby.

Postnatal depression is very serious and very real. It is sadly still not taken as seriously by many as it should and unfortunately, many mums don't feel able to talk about it or to go seek help for it. This can be due to fear of not being taken seriously, worry that they may seem unfit as a mother and many other reasons more beside. The important thing is that they do speak to someone. If you have a friend who you think may be suffering, go on the net, look up the signs, speak to someone you know who has suffered and try and help. Just knowing someone is there for you can be a major boost in of itself. There are also organisations such as PANDAS who you can turn to. Sufferers of PND aren't alone. Alice from 'More Than Toast', a blogger who I follow recently opened up about suffering with PND, you can read her post on it here.

If you are suffering please write to someone, talk to someone, open up and don't suffer in silence. If you have no-one you feel you can talk to about it, write to me at workingberlinmum@gmail.com

#dontsufferinsilencePND


Did you suffer from PND? What helped you? Can you relate to some of my experience or that of the mum who wrote the Parentdish article?

Workingberlinmum can also be found on... 

Facebook
Instagram: @workberlinmum
Pinterest
Twitter